It's important to stay as low as possible...
because heat rises.
Heat rises. Did you know that ?
No, but maybe if he goes over it another ten times, it'll sink in.
Pay attention. Don't touch that doorknob
until you've checked to see if it's hot first.
Look at that. Room temperature. You can escape now, Dad.
Don't wanna be late for the conference. The gynecologists will ice you out.
- Time to go, Dad. - Bye, Dad.
You're in charge.
You're responsible for Bianca.
I get to order you around.
Maybe I'll just skip the conference.
What else can I learn ? Babies still come out of the same place.
It's healthy for us to spend time apart so we don't get sick of each other.
I could never be sick of my little girls.
- Okay. Time to go. - Well, all right.
- Thank you. Thanks. - Bye. Love you.
- I'm gonna miss you. I left... - Love you so much, Dad.
Have a good time.
It's finally happening.
An entire weekend without Dad.
- See you Monday. - Yep.
Do not sell any of our furniture on craigslist.
I'm just taking "before" pictures.
Before what ?
I'm having a few friends over
and I just wanna make sure I can replicate the "after".
This is so cliché.
Dad goes out of town, you throw a wild party.
Someone breaks our Fabergé egg and...
We have to turn this place into a brothel to pay for it.
Sounds like an awesome weekend.
Come in.
Hey, Bianca.
We are here for karaoke.
I know what you're up to.
I've seen those crappy teen movies.
Me too.
Aren't you supposed to show up much later wearing a hockey mask ?
And you'll be the first to go.
Come on. This is just karaoke.
Let me guess. Some football drones with beer and a spiked watermelon.
It is only 9 : 30. This party should totally suck right now.
This is going better than planned.
If this party turns epic, I could be a legend at Padua High.
Shane DeMarco graduated 4 years ago and people still talk about his party.
Hey, blonde girl, is this your party ?
- Yeah, it is. - Not bad.
Strong hot-guy ratio and some are in college.
What's your name ?
Bianca Stratford. Tell all your friends.
Okay.
- My God ! College guys ! - Shane DeMarco can eat it !
Bianca, no more people or I'm shutting this place down.
Did you think about putting out trash cans ?
Move !
Come on ! Put your back into it.
Okay, when my back wants to touch your front...
I'll tell you.
Joey, sweetie...
I'm thirsty.
Me too.
- I'm on it. - Thanks, honey. Love you. Bye.
He's like a puppy who hasn't been housebroken.
Who are those boys ?
Or should I say men ?
Apparently they go to college.
I hope they find someone interesting to talk to so they don't get bored.
All right. I'll do it.
If Joey comes back, cover for me.
What ? I'm curious about college.
- Seriously... - Kat, will you let those people in ?
As soon as three people leave. We are at capacity.
Will you lighten up ? Our house is hotter
than the swag room at a Golden Globe party.
Dad left me in charge, which means I'm responsible for this party.
Have you even organized designated drivers ?
No. I'm busy hosting.
Bianca, if Padua students are drinking here,
which is illegal, you're obligated to make sure they're taken care of.
You remember the moral of field trip to the morgue ?
Yeah. Drinking, bad. I'm not drinking, am I ?
Designated drivers wear these.
"Save the naked mole rats" ?
Left over from that walkathon.
Apparently people only care about cute endangered species.
- Stupid pandas. - Please let them in.
We can make them the designated drivers.
- Congratulations ! - All right !
You've been chosen to be designated drivers.
- What ? - If I see any of you drinking...
I will neuter you.
Bummer.
Heard about your party. Did my invite get lost ?
- Speaking of getting lost. - Come on. I just wanna talk to you.
- So talk. - Privately.
Have you seen Chastity ? The ice in her drink is melting.
She's over there in the corner talking to some guy.
- What guy ? - He's a missionary.
Don't go there unless you wanna be saved.
Come dance with us.
I see.
When you said "wait here" at the dance...
you really meant for, like, six days.
If you returned a call, you'd know I didn't bail on you.
I got arrested.
I thought you were just a jerk. Turns out you're also a criminal.
I didn't even do anything.
The charges were dropped.
So let it go.
Don't.
- Then what do you want from me ? - Nothing.
I've seen red flags from you ever since I met you.
In fact, you look like Communist China.
What the hell am I doing here ? It's like talking to a brick wall.
You make up your mind and that's that.
Don't turn this around on me. I didn't do anything wrong.
Of course. You're perfect.
I am not.
Have fun up here in your perfect world.
All by your perfect self.
Thanks. I will.
Say hello to your parole officer !
What is that ?
Get out ! Get... No ! No ! Hello !
Get out of there ! That is my closet !
It looks like Bianca's in a great mood.
- Maybe now she'll accept my apology. - Be careful.
She's happy, not drunk.
What's the difference ?
Drunk girls do things they normally wouldn't do...
like forgive people or skinny-dip.
I'm gonna go wait in the pool.
Some of these chicks are bound to come around sooner or later.
I'm gonna talk to Bianca. Wish me luck.
Good luck.
All right.
- Tasty watermelon ! - All right !
Right after I have a snack.
My God, guys. Don't drop me.
Thank God I wore my good underwear tonight.
Thank God I wore underwear !
- What are you doing ? - Shutting down this party.
I don't think so.
If you weren't my sister, I'd actually feel bad for you.
You're incapable of having fun.
I am not gonna be responsible for your party.
Then I will be.
You ?
You've never been responsible for anything in your entire life.
You remember your hamster ?
Of course I do.
But Britney Spears was one hamster. I didn't know she had to eat twice a day.
What about Gumdrop ?
Fish are easy to forget. You know how quiet they are.
Exactly. There's always an excuse.
So I make mistakes.
I never claim to be Little Miss Perfect like you.
I am not perfect !
Why does everyone keep saying that ?
Because you act like you are !
Fine.
You wanna be in charge of this party ? Have at it.
Now I'm gonna have some fun.
Little Miss Perfect has just relinquished her crown.
It's all you !
Drink up !
Nice ! All right !
So before a game, I spray a tiny bit of hair spray on my butt,
so my leotard won't ride up.
Unless we're trying to distract the other team...
and then we skip the hair spray.
I thought cheerleaders were just vapid cretins
but you're actually master strategists.
Totally.
Kat, what are you doing ?
I'm just hanging.
You know, girl-talking about butts and stuff.
Look at you. Maybe you should change your shirt.
Maybe you should change your face.
Your sister's cool.
Do you or do you not have any energy drinks ?
Yeah.
No big D, guys, but could you shut the fridge when you're done ?
I need to get amped up,
because things are about to go down.
Wait ! What ? No, nothing and no one should be going down.
Chastity's not flirting with a missionary,
she's flirting with a college dude.
That's my girl, man.
Excuse us. So sorry.
Sorry. Okay.
What has gotten into you ?
This is a social function, not Maury Povitch.
Me ?
You're the one flirting with a college dude right in front of my face !
Well, maybe I wanted to have a conversation
that didn't start with, "Do I, like, look fat in this ?"
As a model, I have to be the boss of my body, and that's a full-time job.
You think it's easy for me to sit next to you at the movies...
while you're grubbing on Red Vines and popcorn and gummi worms ?
Joey, sweetie...
in an effort to support your modeling career,
I'm gonna let you practice your stupid little runway walk
all the way home.
Don't think I won't !
Okay, everybody. Halftime show is over.
Let's get back to the party.
# Lost #
# In a dream #
# I don't know which #
# Way to go #
# You are all that you seem #
# Way too slow #
# I've been a fool before #
# My love caught in a slammin'door #
# How about some information, please #
Yes !
Now, everybody put your hands together !
Right ?
I wanna give a shout-out to the naked mole rats.
Naked mole rats !
- Who we gonna save ? - Naked mole rats !
Naked mole rats !
Kat, you are out of control.
We should sing one of the songs when the two people do it together.
A duet ?
I don't say this often enough
but you're so smart
and prettiful. I love you, Bianca !
I hope we stay sisters... # Forever #
I think you should go outside and get some fresh air.
# Save the naked mole rats #
Weren't you in my car once ?
You're Bianca's sister.
- You're scary. - No, don't say that.
I'm fun, right ?
You'd tell me if I wasn't fun ?
Come on. You're, like, the funnest person in the world.
- I feel fun ! - I love watermelon !
I hate myself.
I'm sure everything with Chastity will be fine.
You know she can be a bit dramatic.
No. These had to be at least 1,850 calories,
plus all that sodium...
I already feel bloated.
So you'll do an extra hour of cardio tomorrow.
It's just so hard to be with her sometimes.
Or maybe it's me.
- Maybe I'm a really bad boyfriend. - Are you kidding me ?
You're kind and sweet and you look great in photos.
You're like... the perfect boyfriend.
What you just said to me filled me up more than this bag of Cheeseritos.
Bianca, come upstairs.
Something freaky's going on in the toilet.
I'll be right back.
Don't eat.
- No more alcohol. - It's just watermelon.
I don't drink. I'm above the influence.
You're the guy who gets wasted because he's too dumb to know
that the watermelon was spiked.
Maybe those teen movies really are set in reality.
I'm drunk ?
I thought it was because I was depressed because Bianca's mad at me, and...
You're her sister.
How do I get her to forgive me ?
Buy her something that sparkles.
A sparkler !
It doesn't matter anyway. Bianca's all, like...
"Stay out of my life !"
Yell, yell, yell !
She won't even let me explain.
That's not nice.
I didn't mean to hurt her feelings.
She probably knows that deep down.
I bet she wishes she could make out with you right now.
Really ? How do you know ?
I just know things in my mind.
Do you think I should apologize first ?
Yeah.
Yeah, you should do that.
I have to make a phone call.
Put the duck down !
- What are you doing in my uniform ? - This party
is so awesome, I heard about it at the North Pole.
I think I'm gonna be sick.
Take it off !
Bianca, I have to talk to you.
Cameron, when did you get here ?
In time increments ?
Three watermelons ago.
Your sister is trashed, by the way.
She's not the only one. You need to go home.
No.
I've been waiting all night to do this and you have to listen to me.
I'm sorry I ruined your date with Beau, but...
he was not a good person.
I know, but that doesn't excuse what you did. Stay out of my life.
I can't. I'm in love with you.
No, you're not.
Yes, I am !
- But you're gay ! - I'm not gay...
at all !
In fact, you're gayer than I am because you kissed a girl.
- That was for money. - I could never kiss a guy for money,
except for Johnny Depp.
So all this time we've been friends, you've liked me ?
No.
I've loved you.
Bianca,
I wanna spend the rest of my life with you
and if it turns out we have afterlives, I wanna spend those together, too.
Think about it. We could have a really cool moniker, like
Biameron or Camianca.
You pick.
I don't know how to tell you this, but I don't
feel the same way.
I'm so sorry.
Maybe we should talk about this when you're sober.
How about we never talk about this again ?
Will you please take him home ?
Come over so I can tell you something.
Kat, I need you to help.
Because I need to do it in person.
Because I just do. Just do it.
I am on the phone !
You have got to be kidding me.
What do you expect me to do, woman ? The toilet's jacked.
That is it !
The party is over !
Over !
Okay, everybody, it's time to leave right now !
Right now ! Come on ! Leave ! Please ?
Please ?
It's time to go...
away !
Five-head,
look what I found. Someone barfed in it.
It's okay. We can get it out. Do you have a Shop-Vac ?
Joey, I think I'm going to have a nervous breakdown.
This party is out of control. I'm a victim of my own success.
How did Shane DeMarco do it ?
Tell me how I can help.
Whatever you want me to do, I'll do it.
I just want this party to be over.
Well, then, let's get her done.
Come on.
I'm sorry. Can you guys get up for a sec ?
Apparently somebody who was in here has crabs.
My God ! They're everywhere !
My God !
They're everywhere !
It worked.
- Everyone's gone. - I know. That was amazing. Up top.
- That didn't happen. - I know.
But...
if it did, it was amazing.
Too bad it didn't.
Has anybody seen my clothes ?
You'd never know there was a raging party here last night.
Except for in my head. Oh, God,
the pain.
I was up all night.
I even steam-cleaned the carpets, no thanks to you !
Inside voices.
Here.
Drink this.
Thank you.
"I heart Patrick" ?
- Some jerk wrote on me. - Don't look at me.
You're the one who called him last night and begged him to come over.
My God, what did I say ?
Why don't you ask him ? I was busy playing the role
of the girl who learns to be responsible.
Guess who played the girl who gets drunk and makes an ass of herself ?
It's Dad.
Go upstairs and take a shower.
Yeah. Okay. Go.
Shower time.
I am never drinking again.
Thanks for indulging me with this movie night.
I missed you girls this weekend, and...
I just wanted a nice sunday night together.
We missed you, too, Dad.
All we did was sit around and ponder how much.
That's why my brain hurts.
So, what movie are we gonna watch ?
It's called House Party...
and it was shot by this hip new director named
Mr. Duck.
Now, everybody put your hands together !
Right ?
Settle in, girls.
We've got four hours ahead of us.